Say what?!

Long before I was a wife or mother, I was a high school English teacher. This is a job that merits hazard pay and requires a sense of humor if one is to survive (and that’s just the first week). In honor of the beginning of a new school year, here are a couple of my favorite memories from my time in the classroom:

I was dazzling and captivating a classroom full of freshmen with a rousing rendition of Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet. In Act 1, Scene 1, there’s a confrontation between Tybalt and Benvolio, archenemies from the houses of Capulet and Montague. At some point during this argument, Lord Capulet enters the scene and utters the following line, directed toward his wife, Lady Capulet:

Capulet: What noise is this? Give me my long sword, ho!

(For those who may be rusty in Shakespearean literature, this roughly translates to “Hand me my sword. Hurry!”)

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a head bolt suddenly upright. The male student, to whom the head belonged, gazed at me through a curtain of uncut bangs. I was fairly certain that this student had, up to this point, slept through most of my enthralling tribute to Mr. Shakespeare. However, he now appeared to have something urgent to say.

STUDENT: “Uh, Miss C? (This was before I was married.) Did he just call his wife a ho? ‘Cause my moms (yes, you read that right, and no this child did not have two mothers) and my girlfriend would freak if someone called them that.”

(*Urban dictionary defines the slang term ho as: a Prostitute, Whore, Hooker, Tramp, Slut).

ME: “Of course, I didn’t know Shakespeare personally, but I don’t think that’s what he had in mind when he penned that line.” Moving right along…

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When I was pregnant with R, I taught a class that was disproportionally full of sophomore boys. I enjoyed teaching this class, and participated in friendly banter with students between more serious academic moments.

Anyone who has ever taught can tell you that, occasionally, things come out of your mouth before your brain has fully processed what it’s about to say. It’s a hazard of repeating yourself 6 times per day.

This particular class frequently attempted to negotiate smaller homework assignments, and I frequently shut them down. But one day when I was about 8 ½ months pregnant, I was feeling generous (and tired). When they started in on the homework negotiations, I decided to give them a break and shorten the writing portion of the assignment.

STUDENTS: “Do we have to do the entire writing prompt?”

ME: “Just do the first part. I’m feeling easy.”

An eerie silence fell over the room as 20 pairs of eyes immediately flew to my bulging abdomen, as if it provided all the proof they needed to qualify my previous statement. In that moment, I realized that I had just announced to a classroom full of adolescents that I had loose morals. A split second later, the room erupted in laughter, and my face turned 8 different shades of crimson before I had to laugh too. But I never used the word “easy” to describe myself in any context again.

A happy school year to all of my teacher friends!